


This is my reality

by MelindaTheCavalryMay



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Nostalgia, Realisations, dad speech
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:11:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2490635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelindaTheCavalryMay/pseuds/MelindaTheCavalryMay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based somewhat on the Philinda scenes from ep. 2x04 Face My Enemy. With help from someone Phil finally realises whet he wants his reality to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is my reality

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be as a response for Tumblr Philinda 48Hours challenge but it just went on to be too long and took up time. 
> 
> Anyways it's as all attempt at something. Hope you all like it, pls. Do comment :)

Phil was sitting at his desk,engrossed in paper work the only difference being that he was unable to concentrate on it completely.

'She did look beautiful today' he thought. They had been back to the playground after getting the painting with those weird writings Phil was now so familiar with even if he couldn't understand it at all. 

He thought of the moment in the car with Fake! May. It wasn't that hard for him to deduce she wasn't May. He had known May for way too long to be not be easily fooled by someone who came up saying she was May and that touch in the car, when she held his hand, that was more than enough to confirm his doubts. It wasn't because It had been long since May had held his hand like that, but when she did it used to feel like something else. When May held your hand out of comfort,love or friendship, you could feel all the emotions that she would try to show with that. May's grip used to feel secure, it gave a sense of safety. So he could easily recognise May's touch and the one in the car didn't feel anything like that. 

'And why was he thinking about May ??' He suddenly wondered. 'I am supposed to be working and completing paper work .. Not think about May, or about their mission, or how everything felt just like the old days, their dance ... Their Dance! It was great to dance with May again. May did enjoy dancing with him, she had never shown that but he could feel it, he always did. How beautiful she looked in that dress!, he was taken almost 20 years back when he saw her in that gorgeous dress and when she beat the crap out of Fake! May, that was one moment he can never ever forget. How much he'd have loved to see the whole fight, because May looks most beautiful and totally mesmerising when she spars with someone... And again why can't I take May off my mind ? I need to work.. I have to finish this' he thought. 

 

Rubbing his forehead realising that he couldn't really concentrate on his work today because all he could do was think of May but not understanding why, he realised it had been almost 6 hours since they returned back to the Playground, almost 5 hours since he had the 'talk' with May about the contingency plan in case he went bonkers like Garret. He hadn't seen May in almost 5 hours! That was surprising for him. When they both were at Playground which didn't happen quite frequently in the recent times, she'd spend most of her time in his office. Going through strategies,plans,updates on the team and his carvings on the wall and now it had been more than 5 hours since she even came into his office just to check on him. 

'She must be training' he thought but he knew it wouldn't have taken this long. When he had needed her to send in some casual paperwork, it was Trip who'd brought that, it never happened this way. Trip had said she was busy, so couldn't come. Was she ill or maybe hurt ? She did face injuries during the mission but then she was May, and she could handle them...' 

He was lost in wonder and confusion when there was a loud knock at his door. 

"Come in.." He said hoping it was May.  
"You ...." Skye said pointing towards him entering his office with an expression which was a mixture of anger and irritation. "What on earth is your problem ?" Skye asked.  
"Hello to you too Skye" he said said trying to lighten the moment.   
Skye came and stood in front of him,on the other side of the table. 

"Forget the hellos and tell me what have you done with May this time ?" She asked.  
May's name is what his mind stuck on. What did Skye mean ? Was May ok ? She did seem fine when he last met her. 

"Sorry ?" He asked with a confused expression on his face.   
"Don't act as if you have no idea 'Director' " she said stressing on the word 'Director'. She had adapted many things from May, including calling him Director purposefully when angry.   
"I really don't know what you're talking about Skye" he said.  
"Well May hasn't come to meet us,debrief or even train me ever since she left your office." Skye added.  
"Well we had a hectic mission today Skye, May was injured, maybe she needed a break.." He replied.  
"Yeah" Skye said snorting. "I know you mostly spend your time here sir, because your busy but even you are familiar that no injury can stop May from 'cancelling' our Tai Chi session." She said stressing on the word 'cancelling'. "She said she was too tired to do Tai Chi and that she didn't want to be disturbed anymore today"

He knew Skye was right. May would never cancel training, no matter how stressed she was. Even when she had broken her arm once after a mission gone bad, he had seen her in the gym, doing Tai Chi with a plastered hand. She had always said that Tai Chi for her is the best Medicine and if she wasn't in the mood for that, meant something was wrong. 

"I haven't seen her since a long time, when I went to give her a cup of tea, she wasn't even in her room, I checked the gym too but she isn't at the playground." Skye continued. She now sat opposite Coulson's desk looking at him straight in the eyes as if trying to deduce his expression.

"Skye .." He tried to say something but was cut off..  
"Look sir, May seemed sad when she left your office, you know that she never shows her emotions but I could feel that, and if anyone is capable of making her like this it's you" 

He was stunned at the girl's frankness. He wasn't offended because she was right, May never really showed much, how she felt, especially if she was sad and he was the one who could hurt her like that, and the last time he did, she had left the providence, though it was to find answers for him, but why now ? He didn't blame her for anything .. They rather had a good day .. Then why did she leave ?? Wait! Why was he thinking she left ? The thought itself scared him, he needed May now more than ever, not only as his partner,second in command and someone he trusted, but because he now couldn't think of her not being there with him. Not just having his back but being there beside him,helping him,comforting him. He had gotten used to the idea of Melinda May in his life, she was his best friend, someone who'd go to extreme lengths for him. He meant a lot to her, and she would always take care of him, that's what she said right ?then why was he feeling guilty ??'

His thoughts came to a halt when Skye spoke up again ..  
"Sir, I don't know what's wrong between you and your girl-friend, but you shouldn't hurt May like this." 

"Skye I didn't ... Wait what ?" Coulson looked at her shocked.   
"What ? Did I say something wrong ?" Skye asked confused with his reaction.  
"Me and my what did you say?" Coulson was caught stunned by the term Skye used for May.   
"Don't tell me May isn't your girlfriend" Skye said snorting as if that's quite an obvious thing.   
She looked at Coulson who was still staring at her mouth open and in shock.   
"OMG! You two aren't a 'thing' ???" Skye asked shocked, more about the fact that that she realised they were NOT dating. "Damn! Now I'll have to return back Trip and Hunter's money" she responded in a dejected tone.   
"Money ? You guys had a bet on whether we were a 'thing' or not?" Coulson asked .. Almost about to laugh seeing the look on Skye's face.

"Yeah! I mean you guys have been so obvious." Skye said before continuing "when you're back from travelling, you wanna meet May first, she almost rushes to meet you when she sees you back, you both spend hours some days locked in your office, and she returns back from this mission today wearing your coat and you holding her from behind protectively and ..." She said now almost excited "don't forget we didn't see the look on your face when you told May about this mission.!! At first we thought it was because she hated undercover, so you wanted to tease her but then You gave her those wedding rings and we could totally see it in your eyes." 

"See what Skye ?" Phil asked now almost knowing the answer.   
"Love ! And when May left your office looking sad and hurt, we thought mom and dad had an argument" she said in kind of a sad but teasing tone. "And ... Now I realise it was all our imagination! " 

Phil was stunned. 'Love? That was a big word, he had feelings for May, he always had, but love ? That was something big. May always had a special place in his heart, they were in love once but then circumstances pushed them apart, she lost herself in Bahrain, he died in New York, and yet here they were together just like their first mission. The way Skye talked about them seemed as if there wasn't anything wrong with what she had said. 

"You have that look again" Skye said  
"Huh ?" Phil asked breaking himself from his rail of thoughts.   
"The 'what Skye is saying is right but I'm not sure if I'm ready to acknowledge it' look" before Phil could respond Skye continued "sir don't know if you are refusing this thought or just not sure whether it's the right time to accept it, but we kids know that you have feelings for May and she feels the same. She has been with you always, having your back,supporting you, protecting you. She's done so much more than what one could possibly do for anyone. If that's not love then I don't know what is" Skye said "but ... You have to know she too is human sir, I know you know her better than anyone but I'd still say because I care about her that you need to acknowledge the fact that at times she needs a break too, she would never ask for it, she wouldn't even tell you that she loves you but I know she does, and sometimes it wouldn't hurt if you'd be the one to show it first." 

Coulson looked at her stunned. Skye had grown up so much since she joined the team, his little girl was now teaching him about love ! He felt pride. 

"You can't take her for granted just because she will do anything for you sir. You'll have to show her that you care for her as much as she does, that you love her too because we all know that you're much better at expressing emotions than May and now your stunned silence totally proves that you love her, so go and tell her before it's too late, because one thing I've learned from being in SHIELD is that you may never know what would happen the next moment, so if you have something to say to someone you shouldn't wait." Skye said

"Skye .. I never intended to hurt May. I didn't even know that she wasn't here till you came and told me. What's between Me and May isn't something we can describe using a term, we've known each other for way too long to actually confess about each others' feelings openly"

"But confessing won't hurt sir" Skye said "and .... You've admitted that you have feelings for her, all you need to do now is go tell her" 

Skye was right, there was no way denying that he felt something for May. He always did, he had loved her but had hidden those feelings behind the façade of friendship, the last time they had confessed their feelings they were pushed apart by stuff that followed, but now everything was as bad as it could get, he might be going mad, SHIELD wasn't there anymore, their world had crumbled, yet they were a team, partners, their relationship had stood against so much, had faced so many obstacles and now was stronger than ever so if they could be what they couldn't all those years back, now was the best time because like Skye said, they never knew what would happen next. 

"Well I know where she might be.. I'll go talk to her." Coulson said getting up from his chair and going towards the door.   
He stopped and turned back to look at Skye "and Skye.. Thank you" he said with a smile.   
Skye exited the room with him and he locked the door.   
"Sir.. I know I'm the younger one but I still need to say that if you even think about hurting my SO once again, I promise you won't be forgiven" she was grinning when she said that and left.   
Coulson was left stunned for a moment. Did she just give him 'the dad speech' ??? He couldn't avoid laughing at that. It was nice to talk to Skye like this again. He was really proud of this girl and he had to tell May what she had just said to him. 

He started walking towards the place where he thought May would be. He had hurt May, once again, he knew why she had gone silent for the last few hours. He had ordered her to kill him. That's the words he had used. How stupid of him not to wonder how tough it was for May. He could've waited another day to say this, but he had to do it then, when May had come to meet him after a stressful day,they had such a good time in that ball reminiscing the old days but he had to say all that stuff. Skye was right he did take May for granted, but he also knew that they didn't have any solution for his condition, May wanted to save him, take care of him, and he knew that shooting him would be her final option, but he didn't want her spending the rest of her life taking care of him, she had lost herself in Bahrain and she would destroy herself totally if she spent her life in a cabin in Australia seeing him losing himself. The team needed stability and no one better than May could provide them that and if something happened to him, the team would be there for her. She would never admit but she would need someone to look out for her.   
If he confessed his feelings for May now wouldn't it hurt her more with what happens in the future ? If May also loved him and he was quite sure she did, then losing him would impact more her more than anything. He began to second guess his decisions by the time he reached the roof of the Playground. He knew that apart from sitting in the cockpit, looking at the night sky always cheered May up. She said that stars were a symbol of constants while everything around them would be changing, looking at the stars would make her feel like some things never did. Their first date had been on the roof of a hotel they stayed at during an undercover op. It hadn't gone as planned so they really didn't feel like going out to a fancy restaurant for their first date, instead they spent their time looking at the night sky, just like today. 

\---0o0---

May didn't realise he was here, even if she didn't she didn't show. He had the option of turning back and going away. May would never ask him about this but he knew May loved him and if he did tell her now and then he'd go bonkers with time atleast he would've spent the last few moments of his lucidity with May .. His May. So rubbishing all the second thoughts, he walked on to the roof carrying 2 bottles of beer,clearing his throat as he stepped onto the roof to notify his presence.  
He saw her stiffen, as if startled from thoughts. He then saw her shoulders calm down. She was sitting on the ground, hugging her knees and he walked up to her and sit beside her.   
She glanced a sideways look at him. He had taken of his jacket and his tie was loosely tied around his neck. His shirt sleeves rolled up thus hiding the cufflinks he was showing off in the morning. He had always looked dapper in a suit and formal attire, but in rare moments when he was casually dressed one could see he looked much better. There was an aura of calmness around him that he carried. She had known that he was struggling, every day was a challenge for him. He was losing himself with every single passing day, but still he put forward a brave front, for his team, for her because SHIELD and his team were everything that he cared about, more than himself. She had always admired Phil for this quality. There would be a thousand problems with him now, but still he would try and act as if it was only the present moment that mattered.   
He handed her a bottle and silence took over. Both of them staring at the stars as if they carried all the answers to their countless troubles. Every minute they would wasted costed them a lot, but that didn't matter at this moment because right now they were in each others' company and there was nothing else they would want to do more. 

May always loved silence, she believe silence can speak a lot more than what words can ever say. He knew that, but at this moment it was different, it wasn't only silence but there was some sort of an emptiness. As if May didn't have anything to speak about, he hated the feeling, and felt even worse to think that he was the cause behind it. 

"Long time huh ?" He said trying to start a conversation.  
"Hmm.." Was the reply he got. Yes he hurt May and quite a bit he realised. Silence again.

"May ... " Phil said but no response ..   
"I'm sorry.." He added.   
"It's ok, we got the painting, and I wasn't injured much so that's fine" she responded.   
She was diverting the topic, of course. As always she wanted to save him, from the guilt trip, so tried to make things seem lighter but he wasn't going to let that happen. He was going to apologise at any cost and also if things stay ok even after, then he was going to let her know about his feelings. 

"No May not about that .. About the contingency..." He was stopped by May who said  
"There's nothing to talk about that Phil, you gave me quite a clear order.."  
"May .. " he said in a frustrated tone "will you atleast look at me ?"   
She snapped at him and looked him directly in the eye and he could see a mixture of hurt and anger combined, "what do you want now Phil ? You didn't ask me to make a choice for you, you told me what was to be done, I agreed I would.. What else do you want from me now ? Why do you keep doing this to me ?" Her voice quivered, she was opening up to him and he realised how much damage his words and request had caused her. The emotion in her eyes, that look was filled with intensity. 

She got up to leave the place when he held out his hand to catch her by the wrist. He looked up at her when she turned her head to look at him. 

"I am Sorry Melinda" the use of her first name caught her off hand. It had been so long since he had called her by the first name, if he was further going to talk about his 'plan' this was going to make it harder. Calm down May she thought to herself. 

"I know I've been a bit selfish In the recent times Melinda and after a long lecture by 'someone' I realised I was taking you for granted, I just want to apologise for that. Please don't leave, we've spent most of our day today like the old days, sit with me and let's watch the stars" 

What Phil asked for was something she couldn't refuse, he mattered a lot to her, and all he was asking was for her to spend some normal time with him, even though nothing about their situation was could be described as normal, and if Phil wants that, she'd do that for him. 

She nodded her head and came back to sit beside him. 

After a few minutes he slowly moved his hand to rest his palm upon hers which was on the floor. She startled for a second but then relaxed. 'Is everything ok with Phil ?, he's behaving a bit different, guilt is different but this was something else. Why was he doing this ? Why was he doing this NOW ? After everything that happened in his office sometime back ?' She thought to herself. 

She looked at his palm upon hers and then looked at him. "Your hand .." She said, he wondered whether she didn't like this gesture that she had to point it out, she saw the confusion on his face and said "it's stopped tremoring.." 

"Oh" he said relieved that she had no qualms with him keeping his hand on hers "yeah.. It comes and goes I guess" he continued shrugging his shoulders. He had now accepted these symptoms as a part of his life, they did worry him at times but the tried not to resist them much because he had Melinda with him. 

The silence grew deeper, they both knew an intense conversation was coming just didn't know who was supposed to start. 

"I'm sorry I snapped at you" May said trying to start a conversation.   
"No .. It's my fault. I didn't realise how much I had hurt you until Skye told me" he replied. The mention of Skye surprised her. She looked at him with confusion, nothing which he giggled "yeah Skye, we had a discussion a little while back in my office, or maybe I should says he gave me a lecture and I had to listen" 

"She misses talking to you" she replied, "I'm not much of a talker and she's always found herself more comfortable in talking with you than me." She added. 

"Yeah well, she scolded me for whatever I did to you and said that the team hates to see mom and dad fighting" he replied chuckling. 

"Mom and dad ? They call us that ?" She asked with a surprising tone and wide eyes.   
"Apparently Yes, they've been having bets on whether we're ... Umm .. What was that term Skye used ?? .. Yeah .. 'A thing' " he replied. She started laughing at that, similar to the way she was earlier in the day but this one wasn't fake for the act, this was a genuine laugh, the pre Bahrain Melinda laugh, the laugh that could bring his world to a halt, that created butterflies in his stomach, he loved the way she laughed and really wanted to hug her, if she would allow and also kiss her.   
He joined her too in this and as things got more comfortable, he moved a bit closer to her. His palm still on hers, both of them looking at the Sky. 

The silence that followed was a better one, there wasn't anger or hurt in that, there was the sense of calmness that surrounded when he would see her do Tai Chi, or when they would sit for what seemed like hours in the cockpit doing nothing, the silence that existed in their conversations like the old days. 

"Why aren't we together anymore May ?" His question startled her, she took in a heavy breathing and moved a bit away from him, but not taking back her hand. 

"What do you Mean ? We're still a team Phil, I'll always have your back" she tried answering, even though realising what he meant. 

"You know that's not what I mean Mel .." Phil tuned his head sideways to look at her trying to read her, and he was very good at this, she knew she had to answer him, especially because he knew the answer to the question. 

"Well Life Happened I guess..." She gave him a sad smile. "We grew up Phil, we became the SHIELD agents we dreamt of becoming one day, but at the cost of what we could've been if we weren't in SHIELD." 

"We changed, didn't we ?" He asked. 

"Yes .. Bahrain changed me, New York changed you, we aren't the same anymore"

"So you want to say, if they hadn't happened, we'd have still been together?" He wasn't going to let go this moment where May was talking so freely with him. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, now more than ever. 

"Maybe Yes, but we can't always predict what would happen can we ? I transferred to Admin., you found Audrey, we did move on ..." She wanted to remind herself more than him that he had Audrey, her thoughts were interrupted by his response.

"But here we are still together isn't it ?" 

"We are .." Is all she could reply with. 

"It should mean something Mel." Phil added. 

"Phil ..." May tried to speak before being interjected by Phil,   
"No May let me talk. Today when we went on to that mission together, it reminded me so much of the old days, when we used to have fun together, go on missions together, save lives together and once the mission was done with we would go for dinner together, or if nothing maybe a drink." 

"What are you trying to say Phil ?" May asked, knowing where the conversation was headed. 

"What I'm trying to say Mel is that, you're right, we've grown up, we've been through life,together, there have been moments which we're proud of and moments we regret, one moment I've regretted always was to let you go ..and moreover to think I could move on with Audrey" he could see that May was trying to grasp all that he was saying, she wanted this as much as he did.

"I know I said it's time to deal with Reality, and Audrey was never my reality May. The reality is that I don't know what my future holds for me, I'm losing my mind and I don't know what tomorrow will be like, so I don't want to waste my time brooding on things that couldn't be. You said that if things hadn't happened we might've still been together, I want that to happen now." 

May was stunned, she could feel her voice choke up, her throat constrict, Phil had just told her something she had been wanting to hear for so long, but she didn't know how to respond, she didn't know what to say because anything she said wouldn't be able to match what Coulson had just told her. 

"Phil .. You mean .." She began only to be interrupted by Phil again. "Yes Mel .. I want to give 'you and I being 'us' another shot.. Thanks to Skye I realised how much I still love you, and hurting you would be the last thing I want to do, I don't know how much of my time is still left where I will be sane and capable of thinking for myself, so whatever I have, I want it to be with you, not just as a partner or a friend but as something we could've been if life hadn't happened". 

May looked at him, her eyes wide open, and her mouth open too, she seemed shell shocked by what he said, and he wouldn't admit saying it to her but her reaction was rather adorable. 

"Please tell me I've not embarrassed myself with the biggest confession I've made in the recent times because if I did then ..." Before he could complete the sentence May rested her free hand on his cheek and brushed her lips against his in a wonderful soft kiss. It wasn't like the old days, because earlier their lives were carefree, their kisses used to be great but this one had a deeper meaning to it, there love wasn't the same anymore too, earlier it had been easier to love, it was fresh and didn't have limitations, but now it was more intense, there was commitment, there was emotion, one that was tough to decipher. May had so much to say that she couldn't put to words as easily as Phil did, so this was the best way she could show him. Phil broke the kiss to rest his forehead on hers looking deep into her eyes. 

"So that means you want us to be together ?" Phil asked. Not because he didn't understand all that she said with the kiss, but just because he wanted to hear her say it. "Yes!" May said rolling her eyes knowing why Phil asked this. 

"Great!" He said chuckling. They sat side by side again looking into the night sky.   
She turned the palm that was under his to entangle her fingers with it and he squeezed it lightly.   
"You know the main reason I had guessed that agent wasn't you today ?" Phil asked  
"What ?"   
"She held my hand in the car, it didn't feel like this.. I know how it feels when you hold my hand, that was different" he replied only to catch a quick side glance at May who was smiling.   
As they continued to look into the sky with time passing she moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, hands still holding each other's refusing to let go. 

"That Skye really gave you a lecture ?" May asked.  
"Yes" he said with a chuckle shaking his head. "She's really good at reading people.. You know what she did ?" Phil asked.  
"What ?" There was a tone of curiousness lacing May's tone.   
"She gave me the 'dad speech', said I'll have to suffer if I ever hurt you. You've got her on your side"   
"The dad speech ?" May looked at him slightly startled. "She actually said that to you ?"   
"Yup" he said nodding his head.   
May laughed slightly and rested her head on his shoulder again.   
"She's a good person. I'm proud of her" she said.   
"I love you May" Phil said after a moment.  
"Hmm .." She replied.   
"Just 'hmm' ? " he asked in an adorable whiny tone. "You're supposed to say Something more"   
May chuckled "I love you too Phil" she added and could actually feel himself grin without even looking at him.

A few more minutes of pin drop-silence. 

"I'm happy you have Skye, May, she'll be there for you when I won't.." When he didn't get a response he looked to see May had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder. She looked more beautiful than ever and he couldn't take his eyes off her. They could think of the rest later but right now he was with someone he loved and who loved him. He knew that the time may come when she'll have to lose him, and with the kind of work they do he might lose her, it was a part of their lives, but whatever time they'd have, they'd be together. To think of it they had always been together, just the dynamic of their relationship had changed. At some point they were partners, then friends,then best friends,then lovers and then best friends again .. But now they were all of that combined into one single package. He trusted May with taking his life if the need came because he knew May wouldn't give up till she found a solution. Melinda May loved ferociously. She would go to any extreme for someone she cared about, and that's why he trusted himself with her. He always would. 

He gently laid down on the roof's floor one hand under his head acting like a pillow and the other holding May securely and she rested her head on his chest sleeping quietly. When they would wake up and go downstairs he knew The team would find out, he didn't worry about it because they already did. Right now he wanted to enjoy every moment with the woman he loved, going undercover today wasn't a bad idea after all.


End file.
